divendres, 15 de febrer del 2008

Ventríloc inreïble


Word en català per imprimir
Traducció original en anglès i castellà : Good evening, Achmed!~Good evening... Infidel! (Infiel) ~So you 're a terrorist?~Yes, I am a terrorist...~What kind of terrorist?~A terrifying... terrorist!~Are you scared (asustado)?~Not really, no.~Aaargh! And now?~Not really, no.~HuHaaah! How 'bout now (Que tal ahora) ?~No.~God damn it! (Dios, mierda) Oh.. I mean "Allah" damn it! (Quiero decir, Alá, mierda) Silence! I kill you!~

So Akhmed...~No, no, it's Achmed~That's what I said!~No you said Akmed, it's Achmed! "gh", "gh", "gh"... Silence! I kill you!~How do you spell it (como se deletrea)?~What?~How do you spell your name?~Oh, let's see... A... C... Phlemgh (Flema) ... Silence! I kill you!~

So Achmed, if you're a terrorist, I would suppose you have some sort of specialty (cual es tu especialidad) ?~Yes, I am a suicide bomber.~So you' re finished (Ya terminaste)?~What?~You 've done your job.~No, I haven't!~But you 're dead!~No, I'm not! I feel fine (me siento bien)!~But you 're all bone (eres todo huesos!) !~It's a flesh wound (es una herida superficial) !~Silence! I kill you!

What the hell happened to my feet (que coño le pasó a mis pies)? Son of a bitch (hijo de perra) ! What the hell (demonios) ? What are you doing? Stop touching me! I kill you!~Allright, just hold on, we'll fix this! (espera, arreglaremos esto) ~Ok, wait! What are you doing? Holy crap (mierda) I'm in the air! Wait, something is backwards (algo está vuelto hacia atrás) ... holy crap (mierda)! I need some ligaments (necesito ligamentos)!~Just sit still (estate quieto)!~Ok, I will not move my ass (culo)!~

You idiot, you don't have an ass!~Is that Walter?~Yeah...~He scares the crap out of me (me hiela la sangre)! Please, do not put me back in the same suitcase (no me pongas en la misma maleta)!~Why?~He has gas!~Saddam's mustard gas was nothing compared to a Walter fart (el gas mostaza de Saddam no era nada comparado con un pedo de Walter)!~It's not funny! He will kill us!~

Allright, listen Achmed, I have something to tell you...~What?~You really are dead!~Are you sure?~Yes.~I've just got my flu shot (acabo de ponerme la vacuna de la gripe).~You really are dead!~Wait, if I'm dead, that means I get my 72 virgins?~Are you my virgins?! I hope not!~Why?~There's a bunch of ugly ass guys out there (hay un grupo de tios de culos feos allí)!~If this is paradise, I've been screwed (si esto es el paraiso, me han jodido)!~Well did they say it will be only female virgins (dijeron que serían solo mujeres)?~Holy crap (mierda!)!

Wait, I could have Clay Aiken (concursante del Operación Triunfo americano conocido por su gran religiosidad)! I told a joke!~So, listen Achmed, where do you come from?~Your freakin' suitcase (de tu maleta endiablada)!~I told another one!~Look, if you've been in my suitcase all this time, how have we been getting through security at the airports?~Oh, that's easy... They open the case and I go "Hellooo! I am Lindsay Lohan!"~I told another joke! I can do this crap too! (también me puedo dedicar a esta mierda)

Ok, here's another one: Two Jews walkin' in a bar... (dos judíos caminando en un bar) ~No, no!~What, you don't let Jews in your bar? (no dejas entrar a judíos en tu bar?) You racist bastard! (bastardo racista!) ~What I mean is I don't want racist jokes in my act (no quiero chistes racistas) .~Oh, ok, how 'bout if I kill the Jews? (Y que tal si los mato?) ~No! ~I'm kidding, I would not kill the Jews, no, I would toss a penny betwenn them and watch them fight to the death! (tiraría un penique entre ellos y los dejaría luchar hasta la muerte)

Yes, I did the same thing with two catholic priests (hice lo mismo con dos curas católicos) but I tossed in a small boy! (pero tirando un niño) Yes, and the winner had to fight Michael Jackson! (y el ganador se enfrentó a Michael Jackson) ~Achmed!~What?~Stop doing this! You can't tell jokes like that!~Why not? I'm killing so to speak...

You can't tell jokes like that!~Why?~It offends people (ofende a la gente).~Oh, I'm dead what do I care? What do you want me to do "knock-knock" jokes? (quieres que haga bromas de toc toc quien es?) ~Probably better...~Ok, knock-knock.~Who's there?~Me, I kill you!~

So, look as a suicide bomber have you had training?~Of course, we had this suicide bomber training camp.~Ah, is that a nice facility (era una instalación agradable)?~It used to be (solía ser)...~What happened?~New guy! (un tío nuevo) The idiot tried to practise!~What did you guys learn from that?~Location, location, location~

So, you guys have any kind of motto (slogan)?~Like what?~You know, like "we're looking for a few good men"~"We're looking for some idiots with no future"!~So, where do you get your recruits (donde conseguís las nuevas incorporaciones)?~The suicide hotline (en la línea telefónica de ayuda a los suicidas)! That was dark, was it not?~

Yeah, so what exactly happened to you?~Eh?~What happened?~Oh, if you must know, I am a horrible suicide bomber...~What happened?~I had a premature detonation...~I set the timer for 30 minutes (puse el temporizador en 30 minutos), but it went off in 4 seconds (pero saltó en 4 segundos)! You know what that's like, right?! (sabes lo que es eso no?) Mr hurricane (señor huracán)!~

So, Achmed what exactly happened to you?~Well, I was getting gasoline and I answered my cell phone (estaba echando gasolina y respondí al móvil)... "Can you hear me now?" Kghghgh! At first I thought it was because I went over my minutes! (al principio pensaba que me había pasado de mis minutos) ~That's too bad!~It's ok, I took that Verizon (compañía de móviles americana) bastard with me!~

So, what's it like to die? (como es morirse?) Do you see a white light?~If you done enough to watch the explosion, yes! (si consigues ver la explosión, si) ~No, I mean some people say when they die they see a white light, what did you see?~I saw flying car parts!~What was the last thing that went through your mind? (que es la última cosa que pasó por tu mente?) ~My ass! (Mi culo!) Walter told me to tell that joke!

You did all these for a bunch of virgins?~Are you kidding me (me estás tomando el pelo)? I'd kill you for a Klondike bar (postre típico americano) !~So, I guess you're Muslim (musulmán) ?~I don't think so (no creo)!~You're not Muslim?~Nooo!~Why?~Look on my ass, it says "Made in China"! Walter says I'm just a stinking (fétida) Halloween decoration!

So do you like being in D.C. (en la capital)?~I think some idiots must live here.~Why?~For example, the Washington Monument (el monumento a Washington, es ese obelisco que se ve en las películas ambientadas en Washington) ...~Yes?~It looks nothing like the guy (no tiene nada que ver con él)! It looks more like a tribute to Bill Clinton!~What do you think of Bush?~Oh, I love Bu... Oh, you mean the president? I'm sorry!~And that's Achmed, the dead terrorist